lunes, 28 de septiembre de 2015

The stick and the carrot. The fear and the love.

Rooms that breathe. Rooms that make music by themselves. How is it possible to dream with a Russian in a floating car, travelling through space? And with that friend offering you to go to Ibiza with a car, music and without his girlfriend? Or with exams that I haven’t prepared because I didn’t know there was an exam? But I was not stressed…

Dreams are just images in our brains that sometimes means something…

Is it glass just gas at a huge pressure? Is it Úbeda a nice place for landing with a floating car after being on the Russian tundra?

Where all these images come from? Where are they stored? When being busy becomes a cure? And when a sickness? Why questions looks like the only answers, but less determinant?

If I am not smart enough to write poetry like the Daodejing, then I will just make questions. Question after question.

Who are you missing? Why don’t you accomplish your routines?

The big from the small. And you start running. Maybe you should start with something smaller. Is it the fear of failure what avoids us to climb?

So far, you are with your three pages and the water. We could add some yoga for today. Fair enough, and that is why you downloaded those apps.

I have the urge of going to the toilet, but, should I go? Is it an urge or a need? If a writer writes 2500 words per day and I just do 900, am I an attempt of a writer?

2500 it is like my three pages three times. Kind of 10 pages a day. It is 1 hour and 40 minutes of raw material, plus hours of typing it and correcting it. Doesn’t it look like too much? Let’s come back to our fears…

Feel, write, and do not think too much. Is it all about surpassing the first moment? That is why it seems good to start from the easy. A thousand miles journey begins on the spot under one’s feet.

It is about having the right motivation. Making your Future You better, not selling yourself, making it easier for your Future You. Become the best of yourself and do it for the world, for the others. Is this love?

That is maybe why a workout doesn’t seems to me like very social directed activity, but rather show off egoistically. Deep inside, writing is for me as much as it is for the others. So, it is reading. But working out, it is a way to look cooler. Nevertheless, I am a dancer and the better my body is prepared, the better I can move, and the better I can teach, and the better I can perform… Therefore, since your body is your tool, it is your job. Shouldn’t you be ethical and do it as best as possible? Shouldn’t you be healthy with yourself?

Right motivations. Fears versus love.

If you don't find the fear in yourself that makes you run away from something, then find the love that can make you move forward, that brings you closer to it. What do you like? Go for the deeper motivation, the deeper origins of your behaviour… The stick and the carrot. The fear and the love.

Reflect and don’t criticize yourself. Don’t be afraid of looking inside, and if you are afraid, it means that you need to find the fear of looking inside. Which demons do you keep there? Which memories? Which parts of yourself do you reject? Why not look where the source is? That place where the solution of your sorrows, the origin of your peace, happiness and success resides… Success, even when is by non-action.

Overcoming fears by asking questions. All the time. Since you wrote that letter. The first or the last? All of your fears have been part of yourself, all those things that have been holding you back. The letters have allowed you to confront them. They have been a way to show your demons to yourself through other people. In this way and under this light, you have been able to change them, to modify them, and to realize that they had been there, hidden deep inside you, all the time.

It is like your multiple egos from the adolescence. Now, that your readers have disappeared from one reason or another, you are publishing more. Now, you ignore who is reading you, if any. However, at the same time, there is this feeling that you can be read by anyone of your previous readers. So somehow, I don’t know. But I think I increase the chances that someone needed to find some meaning for himself or herself in these words.

Am I ultimately overcoming my fear of publishing through publishing? Are all of these topics just excuses to write whatever and post it here? Is it just a way to have something to say? To accomplish one of my resolutions?

The big from the small.

Will all this exposure end up with my deepest secrets hidden by unknown fears, and those untold stories and anecdotes? Who will reveal them? Me? Or will they do it by themselves? Or will they do it through my characters? Through my multiple egos? Through that group of voices from my past that I unified in this self-narrator that needs to write every day? This self-narrator that changes the subjects from the first to the rest of the persons. Arbitrarily, from the you, to the I, to the he, to the us, or the they. Is it dependent on how difficult is to confront the issue? On how much I am scared of what I am writing about? Is it dependent on if the novel of my life is in its bests or its worst? Is it dependent on the ink, on the screen, on the paper, on the keyboard…?

Is it dependent on the arm? Or on the solitary thumbs…?

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