The stick and the carrot. The fear and the love.

Rooms that breathe. Rooms that make music by themselves. How is it possible to dream with a Russian in a floating car, travelling through space? And with that friend offering you to go to Ibiza with a car, music and without his girlfriend? Or with exams that I haven’t prepared because I didn’t know there was an exam? But I was not stressed…

Dreams are just images in our brains that sometimes means something…

Is it glass just gas at a huge pressure? Is it Úbeda a nice place for landing with a floating car after being on the Russian tundra?

Where all these images come from? Where are they stored? When being busy becomes a cure? And when a sickness? Why questions looks like the only answers, but less determinant?

If I am not smart enough to write poetry like the Daodejing, then I will just make questions. Question after question.

Who are you missing? Why don’t you accomplish your routines?

The big from the small. And you start running. Maybe you should start with something smaller. Is it the fear of failure what avoids us to climb?

So far, you are with your three pages and the water. We could add some yoga for today. Fair enough, and that is why you downloaded those apps.

I have the urge of going to the toilet, but, should I go? Is it an urge or a need? If a writer writes 2500 words per day and I just do 900, am I an attempt of a writer?

2500 it is like my three pages three times. Kind of 10 pages a day. It is 1 hour and 40 minutes of raw material, plus hours of typing it and correcting it. Doesn’t it look like too much? Let’s come back to our fears…

Feel, write, and do not think too much. Is it all about surpassing the first moment? That is why it seems good to start from the easy. A thousand miles journey begins on the spot under one’s feet.

It is about having the right motivation. Making your Future You better, not selling yourself, making it easier for your Future You. Become the best of yourself and do it for the world, for the others. Is this love?

That is maybe why a workout doesn’t seems to me like very social directed activity, but rather show off egoistically. Deep inside, writing is for me as much as it is for the others. So, it is reading. But working out, it is a way to look cooler. Nevertheless, I am a dancer and the better my body is prepared, the better I can move, and the better I can teach, and the better I can perform… Therefore, since your body is your tool, it is your job. Shouldn’t you be ethical and do it as best as possible? Shouldn’t you be healthy with yourself?

Right motivations. Fears versus love.

If you don't find the fear in yourself that makes you run away from something, then find the love that can make you move forward, that brings you closer to it. What do you like? Go for the deeper motivation, the deeper origins of your behaviour… The stick and the carrot. The fear and the love.

Reflect and don’t criticize yourself. Don’t be afraid of looking inside, and if you are afraid, it means that you need to find the fear of looking inside. Which demons do you keep there? Which memories? Which parts of yourself do you reject? Why not look where the source is? That place where the solution of your sorrows, the origin of your peace, happiness and success resides… Success, even when is by non-action.

Overcoming fears by asking questions. All the time. Since you wrote that letter. The first or the last? All of your fears have been part of yourself, all those things that have been holding you back. The letters have allowed you to confront them. They have been a way to show your demons to yourself through other people. In this way and under this light, you have been able to change them, to modify them, and to realize that they had been there, hidden deep inside you, all the time.

It is like your multiple egos from the adolescence. Now, that your readers have disappeared from one reason or another, you are publishing more. Now, you ignore who is reading you, if any. However, at the same time, there is this feeling that you can be read by anyone of your previous readers. So somehow, I don’t know. But I think I increase the chances that someone needed to find some meaning for himself or herself in these words.

Am I ultimately overcoming my fear of publishing through publishing? Are all of these topics just excuses to write whatever and post it here? Is it just a way to have something to say? To accomplish one of my resolutions?

The big from the small.

Will all this exposure end up with my deepest secrets hidden by unknown fears, and those untold stories and anecdotes? Who will reveal them? Me? Or will they do it by themselves? Or will they do it through my characters? Through my multiple egos? Through that group of voices from my past that I unified in this self-narrator that needs to write every day? This self-narrator that changes the subjects from the first to the rest of the persons. Arbitrarily, from the you, to the I, to the he, to the us, or the they. Is it dependent on how difficult is to confront the issue? On how much I am scared of what I am writing about? Is it dependent on if the novel of my life is in its bests or its worst? Is it dependent on the ink, on the screen, on the paper, on the keyboard…?

Is it dependent on the arm? Or on the solitary thumbs…?

HALF AN HOUR

Don’t worry, bro. Because in half an hour you can be where you want to be.

Start drinking. Dreams are just images in our brains that sometimes may mean something. You didn’t sleep yesterday and that’s why you slept tonight. It’s normal and there’s no one to blame. Ask yourself things like; what do you want to do? Why do you want to do it? What do you do? Why do you do it?

They say they are working on themselves… And when I feel this arrogant pride, this tamed rage from comparing myself to them; compassion pops up saying that it should be the answer. So, compassion.

Right thoughts. Always right thoughts.

Now you publish, you may think that what you write can be read. Therefore, you limit yourself to fit into the general opinion, to fit into the things that can be read.

Is this a new fear? Is it the same fear that doesn’t allow you to follow a daily routine? Why does public opinion matter? Why people used alias all over history? And why superheroes wear masks?

Is this embarrassment? Is it for showing parts of your real self to others? Is this vulnerability? Is this exposition of yourself what you are feeling as dangerous?

Why are other people perceived as dangerous? Are they really a threat for us? I guess they are, or at least they can be. Who is offering you jobs? Who is offering you love? Who is interchanging resources and sharing this planet with you?

Is this fear for survival? Is our brain designed to be scared of scarcity? To be afraid of the lack of resources? Hmmmm… Our brain may be designed to react in this way due to evolutionary learning, and it expresses it through emotions, through fears. Which is okay.

Therefore, compassion again.

Then, our next question in this list should be, is this all rational? Is it helping me to grow? To survive? Is it reducing my suffering? Is it making me a better person for the world? Is it helping me to be happy? To thrive? To flourish?

Is it the ultimate purpose of a human being to survive as a being? To survive as a species? To survive…? Am I a mere animal striving for life? Whatever the quality of my life is?

Or… Or…

Am I something else? Am I a being that doesn’t seek for the amount of life, but for the quality? Is surviving our utmost purpose? Or is it to help transform the world into a better place? To help people, making their lives better? Is the solution of our fears to overcome our individuality? Is it confronting them rationally? Will that make me start thinking that they are actually irrational reactions and that they hinder the ultimate aim of having a positive impact on this society, of offering the best of ourselves to the future?

Am I overcoming my fear of publishing through questions and writing? Or just toying around with some ideas and lots of answers that I completely ignore? Am I doing both? Does everything has an answer?

It has been twenty-two minutes of writing right now. And it can be valuable for twenty-two years and last for twenty-two centuries. Is it all of this worthwhile?  Should I keep on writing or focus on a life that I don’t know what to do with it? A life that I don’t know how to enjoy…

It happens to me those days that I oversleep and I wake up thinking that it is two hours earlier than the actual time. Those days that I don’t set the alarm. Those days that, since I don’t have anything to do, or I cannot think about anything better to do, I carry out my morning routine and the resolutions that I was procrastinating.

Drink water, write, stretch, workout… So far, I have just done part of the first two and I have the will of doing some of the others. But, will the urge of publishing what is already written hinder my intentions and change my future? Will my body complain about not treating it correctly?

It is Denmark. I sleep on a couch when I don’t do it on the floor. I write on a small bookshelf filled with clothes because in this room there is just a low table. I should exercise more, stretching more, publishing more, write more, read more, and study more. Yesterday, I loved a lot. It makes me wonder if that is the only reason for not being in a depressive mood today.

It is raining.

It can be a baby; a half Philippine in her thirties; her boyfriend, the Zimbabwean teacher awarded for his lifetime’s work; or his mother, who turns out to be the baby’s mother’s mother, that just seeks for someone to speak with.

The mother and the daughter, twice.  From the granddaughter to the grandmother. Love is intergenerational, interracial. It is all about speaking, about looking into each other’s eyes, and feel that we do it for the others, that we don’t do it for ourselves, that we are going further than our limited being, our limited life.

The time is over. Half an hour is gone. Going further than ourselves…? Was that what this is all about? Have I written all this thanks to not looking to my smartphone just right after waking up?

Happiness Practice #4: Eight Essentials When Forgiving

Text from the following online course offered by EdX website.

BerkeleyX: GG101x The Science of Happiness

Happiness Practice #4: Eight Essentials When Forgiving 

Background

We have all suffered incidents that felt hurtful and unjust. Choosing to forgive is a way to release the distress that arises again and again from the memory of these incidents—but forgiveness is often a long and difficult process. This exercise outlines several steps that are essential to the process of forgiveness, breaking this difficult experience down into more manageable components. These steps were created by Robert Enright, Ph.D., one of the world’s leading forgiveness researchers. Although the specific methods for forgiveness may look different for different people, they can still draw upon Dr. Enright’s basic principles. In certain cases, it may help to consult a trained clinician, especially if you are working through a traumatic event.

Time Required

Each person will forgive at his or her own pace. We suggest that you move through the steps below based on what works for you. 

Instructions

1. Make a list of people who have hurt you deeply enough to warrant the effort to forgive. You can do this by asking yourself on a 1-to-10 scale, How much pain do I have regarding the way this person treated me?with 1 involving the least pain (but still significant enough to justify the time to forgive) and 10 involving the most pain. Then, order the people on this list from least painful to most painful. Start with the person lowest on this hierarchy (least painful).

2. Consider one offense by the first person on your list. Ask yourself: How has this person’s offense negatively impacted by life? Reflect on the psychological and physical harm it may have caused. Consider how your views of humanity and trust of others may have changed as a result of this offense. Recognize that what happened was not okay, and allow yourself to feel any negative emotions that come up.

3. When you’re ready, make a decision to forgive. Deciding to forgive involves coming to terms with what you will be doing as you forgive—extending an act of mercy toward the person who has hurt you. When we offer this mercy, we deliberately try to reduce resentment (persistent ill will) toward this person and, instead, offer him or her kindness, respect, generosity, or even love.  

It is important to emphasize that forgiveness does not involve excusing the person’s actions, forgetting what happened, or tossing justice aside. Justice and forgiveness can be practiced together. 

Another important caveat: To forgive is not the same as to reconcile. Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy in which two or more people come together again in mutual trust. You may not choose to reconcile with the person you are forgiving.

4. Start with cognitive exercises. Ask yourself these questions about the person who has hurt you: What was life like for this person while growing up? What wounds did he or she suffer from others that could have made him or her more likely to hurt you? What kinds of extra pressures or stresses were in this person’s life at the time he or she offended you? These questions are not meant to excuse or condone, but rather to better understand the other person’s areas of pain, those areas that make him or her vulnerable and human. Understanding why people commit destructive acts can also help us find more effective ways of preventing further destructive acts from occurring in the future. 

5. Be aware of any little movement of your heart through which you begin to feel even slight compassion for the person who offended you. This person may have been confused, mistaken, and misguided. He or she may deeply regret his or her actions. As you think about this person, notice if you start to feel softer emotions toward him or her.

6. Think of a gift of some kind that you can offer to the person you are trying to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of mercy—you are extending mercy toward someone who may not have been merciful toward you.This could be through a smile, a returned phone call, or a good word about him or her to others.  Always consider your own safety first when extending kindness and goodwill towards this person. If interacting with this person could put you in danger, find another way to express your feelings, such as by writing in a journal or engaging in a practice such as compassion meditation. 

7. Finally, try to find meaning and purpose in what you have experienced. For example, as people suffer from the injustices of others, they often realize that they themselves become more sensitive to others’ pain. This, in turn, can give them a sense of purpose toward helping those who are hurting. It may also motivate them to work toward preventing future injustices of a similar kind.

Once you complete the forgiveness process with one person on your list, select the next person in line and move up that list until you are forgiving the person who hurt you the most.  

Evidence that it works

Baskin, T.W., & Enright, R. D. (2004). Intervention studies on forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling and Development, 82, 79-90.

Researchers compared several studies that used Dr. Enright’s “process model of forgiveness,” similar to the steps outlined above. All the studies were done in a clinical setting including individual and group therapy. Therapies that used these methods were shown to be effective in increasing forgiveness, and in decreasing negative psychological states such as anxiety and anger. These were often long-term therapies, ranging from 6 to 60 weekly sessions, aimed at helping individuals cope with serious offenses.

Why it works

Forgiveness is a long and often challenging process. These steps may help along the way by providing concrete guidelines. Specifically, they may help you narrow and understand whom to forgive—to name and describe your pain; to understand the difference between forgiving and excusing or reconciling; and by thinking about the person who has caused you pain in a novel way, you may begin to feel some compassion for him or her, facilitating forgiveness and reducing the ill will you hold toward this person. These steps also attune you to residual pain from your experience, and encourage you to find meaning and some positivity in it. 

See also

Coyle, C. T., & Enright, R. D. (1997). Forgiveness intervention with post-abortion men. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 65(6), 1042-1046.

Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996). Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983-992.

Source  

Robert Enright, Ph.D., University of Wisconsin, Madison

Happiness Practice #3: Random Acts of Kindness

Text from the following online course offered by EdX website.

BerkeleyX: GG101x The Science of Happiness

Happiness Practice #3: Random Acts of Kindness

Background

We all perform acts of kindness at one time or another. These acts may be large or small, and their beneficiaries may not even be aware of them. Yet their effects can be profound—not only on the recipient but on the giver as well. This exercise asks you to perform five acts of kindness in one day as a way of both promoting kindness in the world and cultivating happiness in yourself and others.

Time required

Varies depending on your acts of kindness. Could be anywhere from several minutes to several hours.

Instructions

One day this week, perform five acts of kindness—all five in one day. It doesn’t matter if the acts are big or small, but it is more effective if you perform a variety of acts.

The acts do not need to be for the same person—the person doesn’t even have to be aware of them. Examples include feeding a stranger's parking meter, donating blood, helping a friend with a chore, or providing a meal to a person in need.

After each act, write down what you did in at least one or two sentences; for more of a happiness boost, also write down how it made you feel.

Evidence that it works

Lyubomirsky, S., Sheldon, K., & Schkade, D. (2005) Pursuing happiness: The architecture of sustainable change.Review of General Psychology, 9(2), 111-131.

Study participants who performed five acts of kindness every week for six weeks saw a significant boost in happiness, but only if they performed their five acts in a single day rather than spread out over each week. This may be because many acts of kindness are small, so spreading them out might make them harder to remember and savor.

Why it works

Researchers believe this practice makes you feel happier because it makes you think more highly of yourself and become more aware of positive social interactions. It may also increase your kind, helpful—or “pro-social”—attitudes and tendencies toward others. Evidence suggests that variety is key: People who perform the same acts over and over show a downward trajectory in happiness, perhaps because any act starts to feel less special the more it becomes routine.

Source

Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., University of California, Riverside

Happiness Practice #2: Active Listening

Text from the following online course offered by EdX website.

BerkeleyX: GG101x The Science of Happiness

Happiness Practice #2: Active Listening

Background

Often we’ll listen to a conversation partner without really hearing him or her. In the process, we miss opportunities to connect with that person--and even risk making him or her feel neglected, disrespected, and resentful.

This exercise helps you express active interest in what the other person has to say and make him or her feel heard—a way to foster empathy and connection. This technique is especially well-suited for difficult conversations (such as arguments with a spouse) and for expressing support. Research suggests that using this technique can help others feel more understood and improve relationship satisfaction.

Time required

At least 10 minutes. Try to make time for this practice at least once per week.

Instructions

Find a quiet place where you can talk with your partner without interruption or distraction. Invite him or her to share what’s on his or her mind. As he or she does so, try to follow the steps below. You don’t need to cover every step, but the more you do cover, the more effective this practice is likely to be.

1. Paraphrase. Once the other person has finished expressing a thought, paraphrase what he or she said to make sure you understand and to show that you are paying attention. Helpful ways to paraphrase include “What I hear you saying is…” “It sounds like…” and “If I understand you right….”

2. Ask questions. When appropriate, ask questions to encourage the other person to elaborate on his or her thoughts and feelings. Avoid jumping to conclusions about what the other person means. Instead ask questions to clarify his or her meaning, such as, “When you say_____, do you mean_____”? 

3. Express empathy. If the other person voices negative feelings, strive to validate these feelings rather than questioning or defending against them. For example, if the speaker expresses frustration, try to consider why he or she feels that way, regardless of whether you think that feeling is justified or whether you would feel that way yourself were you in his or her position. You might respond, “I can sense that you’re feeling frustrated,” and even “I can understand how that situation could cause frustration.”

 4. Use engaged body language. Show that you are engaged and interested by making eye contact, nodding, facing the other person, and maintaining an open and relaxed body posture. Avoid attending to distractions in your environment or checking your phone. Be mindful of your facial expressions: Avoid expressions that might communicate disapproval or disgust.

5. Avoid judgment. Your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective and accept it for what it is, even if you disagree with it. Try not to interrupt with counter-arguments or mentally prepare a rebuttal while the other person is speaking.

6. Avoid giving advice. Problem-solving is likely to be more effective after both conversation partners understand one another’s perspective and feel heard. Moving too quickly into advice-giving can be counterproductive. 

7. Take turns. After the other person has had a chance to speak and you have engaged in the active listening steps above, ask if it’s okay for you to share your perspective. When sharing your perspective, express yourself as clearly as possible using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when you don’t help out around the house”). It may also be helpful, when relevant, to express empathy for the other person’s perspective (e.g., “I know you’ve been very busy lately and don’t mean to leave me hanging…”)

Evidence that it works

Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13-31.

Participants had brief conversations (about their biggest disappointment with their university) with someone trained to engage in active listening, someone who gave them advice, or someone who gave simple acknowledgments of their point of view. Participants who received active listening reported feeling more understood at the end of the conversation.

Why it works

Active listening helps listeners better understand others’ perspectives and helps speakers feel more understood and less threatened. This technique can prevent miscommunication and spare hurt feelings on both sides. By improving communication and preventing arguments from escalating, active listening can make relationships more enduring and satisfying. Practicing active listening with someone close to you can also help you listen better when interacting with other people in your life, such as students, co-workers, or roommates.

Source

Instructions adapted from: Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S.L. (1994). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Josey-Bass Publishers.

acepto el proceso de poder mejorar

acepto el proceso de poder mejorar

me gusta la alta literatura escribir cartas y sentir la felicidad

me gusta quererme

apagar las luces pero nunca todas

me gusta ver y me gusta sentir

me gusta escuchar y las personas que escuchan

me gusta absorber pero regalando me expando

me gusta el desorden que aprendo a controlar

me gusta el espacio me gusta respirar

la comida despacio empiezo a degustar

paladeo palabras

saboreo manantiales

escribiendo a doble excluyo minutos

el ritmo es profundo

cuando la velocidad es la correcta

me gustan las chicas literatas con horas en su colchón

Text from the following online course offered by EdX website.

BerkeleyX: GG101x The Science of Happiness

Happiness Practice #1: Three Good Things

Background

This exercise asks you to remember and list three positive things that have happened in your day so far and consider what caused them.

Time required

10 minutes/day for at least one week.

Instructions

Each day for at least one week, write down three things that went well for you that day, and provide an explanation for why they went well. It is important to create a physical record of your items by writing them down; it is not enough simply to do this exercise in your head. The items can be relatively small in importance (e.g., “my co-worker made the coffee today”) or relatively large (e.g., “I earned a big promotion”). To make this exercise part of your daily routine, some find that writing before bed is helpful.

As you write, follow these instructions:

1. Give the event a title (e.g., “co-worker complimented my work on a project”)
2. Write down exactly what happened in as much detail as possible, including what you did or said and, if others were involved, what they did or said.
3. Include how this event made you feel at the time and how this event made you feel later (including now, as you remember it).
4. Explain what you think caused this event—why it came to pass.
5. Use whatever writing style you please, and do not worry about perfect grammar and spelling. Use as much detail as you'd like.
6. If you find yourself focusing on negative feelings, refocus your mind on the good event and the positive feelings that came with it. This can take effort but gets easier with practice and can make a real difference in how you feel.

Evidence that it works

Seligman, M. E., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60(5), 410.

Visitors to a website received instructions for performing this exercise and four others. Writing about three good things increased happiness for each time point during a six-month period (immediately afterward and one week, one month, three months, and six months later).

Why it works

By giving you the space to focus on the positive, this practice teaches you to notice, remember, and savor the better things in life. It may prompt you to pay closer attention to positive events down the road and engage in them more fully—both in the moment and later on, when you can reminisce and share these experiences with others. Reflecting on the cause of the event may help attune you to the deeper sources of goodness in your life.

Sources

Jeffrey Huffman, M.D., Harvard Medical School

Sonja Lyubomirksy, Ph.D., University of California, Riverside

TRY IT: THREE GOOD THINGS

While we recommend that you do the Three Good Things practice regularly in your happiness practice notebook.

Avoiding distractions, handwritten.